Sleepless night

I went to bed 40 min ago but I just couldn’t sleep without getting all these emotions outta my system.



I was doing on anorexia and decided to yahoo (I dun google, I yahoo) “anorexia”. Most stuff were fine, even the pictures, since most of the clinically shocking pictures are not available to the general public. However, what sets me back was what I read on the yahoo forum. Basically, this girl asked if anyone has anorexia and asked for advice. Presumably, she probably had insight on it and wanted support. The answer she chose to be the best, however, shocked me. Basically, the person who replied admitted to having anorexia too, and felt that it was not wrong. She feels good about herself and practically advocates it. In fact, there are more posts which encouraged her to continue. This is the link...


http://sg.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060706201301AAZjcOc


I am scared of becoming anorexic, not because I can die from it (looking my worse, since I will be sticking out in bones) but because of how pathetic I will be. It is no different from saying that my confidence come from how thin I am and how thin I am only. It is just so easy to desire to be thin by an easy way. Sometimes, I do wish for the discipline to reduce food intake or abstain from rubbish food (and even for certain normal food which I would deem too unhealthy). Of course, wish is a wish; most wishes remain a wish. But today, I realized how scarily close I am/was to having eating disorders. If I do actually have the discipline, it would just be too addictive to continue eating “healthily” to stop. It would be good to eat healthily, but preventing image from becoming my life focus would be hardL



Scared as I am, anorexia was not the issue which kept me awake. It was what my roommate sent me. She gave me a link to a site which is pro legal abortion. It showed cases of women self- aborting gone wrong. Here’s the link:


http://www.lifeandlibertyforwomen.org/abortion_pictorial.html


I am not going to write a whole GP essay on abortions etc, since it is just too easy to write on this. To talk about pro- life pro- choice pro euthanasia blah blah… We have all gone through writing about them, but really, most of the words go through our reasoning head rather than our emotional brain, since we were trained to be subjective. I feel so superficial, worrying about my exams when there are so many more things out there that people have to worry about. I can’t stop images of starving children in Africa, of homeless people, of sick lonely elderly, of all other images from creeping into my mind. I think of lying on the ground, wondering when my next bottle of milk will come. I imagine living today just so that I can live tomorrow. What is my goal in life if I am born to a life of fighting for survival everyday? For all 40 years of my life… Day after day… Worrying about just food water and shelter…


I feel so small and helpless against these problems. I may not be rich, but even sleeping in a bed makes me feel guilty and blessed. What if I am born into real poverty?


I have felt these feelings before, but they disappeared when I got caught up with my own personal life. But time and again, they haunt me down. I would say that this desire to rectify things gives me the determination to study and to pursue the career route I am taking now. A lot of times when I feel despaired in studies and goalless in life, the nightmares of other people’s desperation push me on, because the only way I can help them is through education. Moreover, feeling their desperation reminds me that I don’t want to feel desperate; so I will study just so that I will not feel desperate over my results. But the main pushing factor remains that what I can achieve as an individual will not be as big as what I can achieve as an individual with strong science backing.



Ultimately, I don’t want to lead my life as if all the problems don’t exist, because I know that on the day when death is upon me, I will look back with regrets. I am paranoid about death, and the only way I comfort myself is to lead a meaningful life. I have looked back on my 2 years, and while I thought that it was the life I wanted at the time I lived it, I realize now that I had not spent my time wisely at all. There were so many superficial decisions I made which I know now are made coz they make me look good, rather than make me feel good.



Food for Thought:
If I die tomorrow (touch wood!), would I look back with regrets?

:S

Ok, I have just planned my time table. Gonna try to cram and force my limits thru these 2 weeks, so tt next 2 weeks will be less stressful. Dun wanna break down rite b4 my exams. Phew! So I think I will be in recluse for 5 weeks. Scary~!!!!! This will be a breakthrough in my life if I actually make it through.



On another note, I have made a difficult decision, which I really hope is right. And gosh, do I need all the mental strength oand will power I can muster to stick to the decision. The exams will prime me for the upcoming challenge.



I AM GOING HOME IN 1MONTH AND 1WEEK'S TIME!!!!

FOOD:(

Curry puff... Hokkien Mee... I WANT TO EAT THEM NOW!!! Sudden craving! No wonder they can sell Chinese food at extorbitant prices... People will pay!!! BUT I CAN'T EVEN FIND THEM HERE!!!!



Anyway, it is quite funny that my mum shud ask if my future household would be all girls or would have some guys. Her words: "It'd be quite useful to have one or two guys around, you know." Eh, mum, I am living with 3 other guys...



Just did TE's sis' friend test. U know, the sort whereby u answer questions based on how much you know the person. I dun really know his sis really well. But I still did it anyway, and had a slight dilemma. Is the test testing what I think she is like, and so I should only place answers which compliment (honest compliments k!) her, or should I think like wat she might be thinking of and select the spastic answers? It is a tough one to crack, when u r dealing with ur bf's sis.... Grr.... BUT can I add in tt I am actually the top scorer for her test at the moment???!?!?!??

Dreams r best remain dreams

Last nite, I dreamt that RG n SJI combined into one school... Br... And the best comment I could come up with in the dream was: "So RG gals will see more SJI guys in school now la..." Bah!



Anyway, JOANNE YE!! U appeared in my dream!! Weird!!!!!

Detached

Sigh! I know I am too detached from those back home when I didn't even know/ remember that it was Labour day today:( It's not that I don't bother, but these knowledge that we had always taken for granted become precious only after my access to them is restricted. Then again, I oughta read the news more!! But there are just some things one can't know unless one are together. I have no idea what my parents' schedules are anymore. Come summer, I might be caught in the worst situation at home alone, not expecting them to come back. In fact, when I graduated, perhaps moving out on my own is an option....


Study! Exams are 1.5 months away but everyone's panicking!!! Well, at least my coursemates are. Everyone's studying during lunchtime. It's scary, given how ppl in other courses are panicking only 1 mth b4 their exams. Urgh!!! I hate this!!! Can't finish! Played too much in first 2 terms!!!


Then again, once the exams are over, it would home sweet home:D



Sorry, din mean to put u in a spot today. I just need reassurance sometimes.